Camptathalon 2016

by wombatony

Wow, here we are already planning Camptathalon 2017 and I haven’t even updated the world with the results from 2016. I suck. But in my defense… nah, screw it.Here’s what happened last June.

Editor’s note: The campground right next to ours was called “Little Beaver Campground.” I’m sure you can already see where this is going.

Tony & Sparky arrived Thursday night.

Friday:
6:45 Sparky sleeps in. A Camptathalon record!
6:50 Tony wakes up early. A Camptathalon record!
7:40 The Official Camptathalon Flag is raised:IMG_1843.JPG

Oops, almost had an upside down cock.
7:52 The MacGyver Hammock has a door. “You sure you want it up that high if you’re going to be drinking?” (Editor’s Note: “MacGyver Hammock” in background of this picture, after it had been moved down)

IMG_1846

7:55 Donuts and Bear Claws – Breakfast of Champions
~9:00 Heading to town for ice. Did not stop on way in last night because it was dark and there was beer to be drunk.
9:45 Rick drives past us while we are trying to thieve WiFi from “hotel” in “town.”
9:55 Sparky: “There’s some really nice looking logs on the side of the road.”
9:59 Tony: “We have to put the other two pubes on ice. You can’t have a foursome with only two pubes.”0218171606

10:05 Of the four coolers we have, only the smallest one has food.
10:20 “Any request for music? I don’t feel like listening to status.” “Actually, I’m kind of in a static mood.”
10:41 “It’s called a piledriver…”
11:41 Chris arrives.
11:44 “We can all back up another six inches and maybe you’ll fit.”
12:23 Sparky’s MacGyver Hammock shall henceforth be known as “The Little Beaver.” In perpetuity.
12:42 Chris unveils memes:
IMG_1845
12:58 Camptathalon 2015 Champion Chris unveils Camptathalon Trophy in its Wisconsin Lunchbox.
13:01 Rick starts singing Frozen.
13:04 Tony tries to get WiFi on Chris’s camping chair.
13:35 “Demi Moore is from Roswell and her bush is what swallowed the UFO.”
13:55 “Where’s my koozie?” “It’s on my finger. I can fit three fingers inside your koozie.”
14:20 Tony claims his genitals will burn holes in the tablecloth.
14:26 Cheese Ball Bucket begins.
14:29 SOCIAL!
14:43 “I have three more guys to play with.”
14:48 Rick apologizes for farting and sheds a tear. (Editor’s Note: Rick wrote “Fuck you, Tony!” next to that note, perhaps questioning its veracity)
14:50 Chris needs more lotion on his mosquito bites. Sparky: “My 7th grade girlfriend had mosquito bites, too.”
14:57 Tony: “I can’t keep these (Cheese) Balls out of my mouth!”
15:00 Rick almost eats a Carcassonne piece because it is the same color as Cheese Balls.
15:02 “I brought some good beef jerky.” “Oh, I love some jerky.” (Pantomimes masturbation)
15:31 Rick: “This weekend is already crashing and burning.”
15:41 “Dick.” “Ass.” “It’s much too early for dick ass.” “Is it ever too early for dick ass?” “Not sure. Give me more Cheese Balls.”
16:06 This beats being at work.
17:03 “Did anyone bring a target?” “Your chest is a target.”
17:12 “As long as, every time someone takes a leak, they bring back wood, we’re good.”
17:28 Dinner is served.
18:27 Loser Libation revealed: Foster’s Oil Can. (Editor’s Note: The Loser Libation is picked by the Champion and must be consumed by the loser of the poker tournament)
18:28 Official Camptathalon Opening Toast: Pube Beer.
18:35 Chips out. Pic taken. Pube open. (Editor’s Note: While “pic taken” was written in the log, nobody present can’t account for said picture. Here’s the closest we can find: Camptathalon Toast
18:55 “Daniel-san. You cum too fast.”
18:58 “Give me a finger right there.”
19:24 “The Ol’ Ten-Ten. 1-0, 1-0. Everybody’s got a dick in their mouth.” “That will wake me up screaming in the middle of the night.” “You can’t scream with a dick in your mouth.”
20:03 We are not our fathers.
20:14 “Remember that time I picked you up in the lobby and we drank at Dick’s for two hours?”
20:38 Sparky is nearing Foster Territory.
20:50 “I’m finally on top of Tony and it feels good.”
21:28 Nobody out yet. Longest entry poker tourney ever.
21:34 Rick: “I haven’t looked at my cards yet. I’m putting on my vest.”
21:35 “See my vest, see my vest, made of real gorilla chest.”
21:44 Tony goes all in because he has to shit, gets trip-7’s.
22:03 Sparky and Tony all in. Sparky “wins” the Loser Libation.
22:45 Chris out.
22:46 Rick and Tony are tired. Ask permission to split top two point values. Request denied.
22:57 Tony beats Rick

Saturday
5:55 Tony up first. WTF?
6:25 Sparky up.
6:55 “I just realized I have tea bags. I could’ve had tea last night.” “Or we could just wake the other two up with tea bags.”
7:32 Tony throws teabag into Rick’s tent.
7:48 Chris emerges from tent, produces Dick Butt

Dick Butt

8:05 Breakfast. Forgot tortillas and can’t find cornbread, so it’s Breakfast Bowls.
8:20 Skid marks in the underwear. “Did you wipe your ass with your underwear?”
8:40 You can’t call it a nap when it’s 8:30 in the morning.
9:12 Hey, there’s the bear that took our fucking cornbread:Campting Bear
9:46 Sparky starts in on the second half of last night’s Fosters. “Not bad. Still some carbonation.”
9:51 Oh, hey. The cornbread is in the cooler.
10:06 First beer of the day opened.
10:20 Event Two: Whiffle Ball Home Run Derby.
10:30 Tony loses bottle opener ring while throwing whiffle ball.
10:37 Rick is really proud of his epic 2 Homeruns in the Derby.
10:40 First Round: Chris – 7, Tony – 6, Rick – 2 (Best Ever!), Sparky – 3 (Retired with only two outs used)
10:43 Cock ring found!
10:50 Second Round – Chris – 3, Tony – 4 (with six outs used); Sparky – 4 (with seven outs used)
11:06 Final Round – Tony 6, Sparky – 3
11:07 After two events, Tony -8 pts, Sparky – 2, Rick – 2, Chris – 2
11:30 Oh hey, Cornbread!
11:31 Event Three: Adventure Bocce
11:51 “Guys, don’t scuff my balls.”
12:07 Adventure Bocce results: Chris – 11, Tony – 9, Rick – 7 (Won the “Toss-Off”), Sparky – 7
12:08 After three events: Tony  – 10, Chris – 6, Rick – 3, Sparky – 2.
12:15 Sammiches.
12:35 Margaritas: A Toast to Scurvy and Dick-Butt.
Dick Butt
12:40 Margaritas are classy when they come out of a 2-liter Sprite bottle.
12:54 Event Four: Slingshot
13:19 Slingshot targets: Adele Fan Meme, Nicholas Cage, Grumpy Cat
13:50 After Four Events: Tony – 10, Chris – 8, Rick – 7, Sparky – 3
14:20 Anne Heche is a pretty good looking dude.
14:36 Event Five: Chipping
15:07 Standings: Chris – 12, Tony – 10, Rick – 8, Sparky – 5
15:08 Tony has come in fourth of every competition since margaritas began. Rubs frisbee golf frisbee on his nads.
15:40 Event Six: The Butter Toss (at Leonardo DiCaprio’s chin) (Editor’s Note: No results recorded, but we did get a picture of the end results)
Leo

15:50 Final Event: Cards Against Humanity
15:57 “I had semen. I thought semen would work.”
16:07 With “Stephen Hawking talking dirty,” Chris wins Camptathalon 2016.
16:12 I think about the Underground Railroad during sex.
16:16 The random draw has won twice in a row. (Editor’s Note: They would throw one randomcard in from the draw pile to see if it was funnier than anything they could come up with. Clearly it was.)
16:21 Sparky places second in Cards Against Humanity with “Smegma.”
16:22 Tony takes third with “My Black Ass.”
16:44 Social: “I drink to forget (Blank).”
17:17 The bet is over. We have all lost. The Cheese Balls still exist and reign supreme.
18:09 There is a clearing house in Tony’s ass.
18:21 Sno Balls appear to be made out of napalm. That have a skin flap like a vagina, but are not as flavorful.
18:22 General disagreement over definition of felching. No Urban Dictionary access at 5,000 feet.

Sunday
Butter still on Leo’s chin

Cheese Balls still exist. Saying “Fuck you, motherfuckers. We’re still here!”
Hey look! Cornbread!
And I’ll miss you most of all, Dick Butt.

Dick Butt

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